A Great Oak Tree
John Constable
1801, Black chalk with gray wash, 21x 17 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washington
We all have the potential to discover our vocation, a role in life which brings together our gifts and experience and makes us feel fulfilled. This might be in the public sphere in our paid or unpaid work or it might be a private vocation for home-making or caring. Whatever it is there is a sense of having arrived, perhaps unexpectedly, at the right place.
I thought my vocation was to be a priest in the Church of England and over the past two years I have been exploring that understanding in a formal process called Discernment. This was not a recent conviction which arrived as a bolt from the blue but one that had been at the back of my mind for many years, even as far back as university. Unfortunately my student days pre-date the change which allowed the ordination of women and when that decision was made in 1992 I was looking after two pre-school children. By the time I was able to put myself forward for consideration the seed which had been sown so early in my life had grown into a great tree which blocked my path.
The outcome was not what I expected. It became clear to me that I was not the type of person that the Church of England was looking for: I was not under 35 and committed to introducing what is known as Fresh Expressions of Faith and I could not improve the diversity statistics. In June I decided to withdraw from the process.
It was the right decision but it felt as though the tree which had represented so much crashed down on top of me. I can not say whether it fell in an instant or had been weakened over a period of time but I scrambled from under the branches feeling very battered and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the new landscape. I decided that I must not walk away from the wreckage and I have worked hard in the past six months to chop up the tree, examine the pieces and stack them away.
When a tree falls everything changes. New vistas open up and seeds germinate as light reaches the ground where the tree had been. These are positive things but there is the period of loss first, grief for the old familiar landscape and then trying to make sense of what happened. I do not know what direction my life will take now but let's hope that there is a seed putting out tiny leaves somewhere in the undergrowth.
Your metaphor is so apt and so moving, Alice, bringing a gentle yet clarifying light to the sharing of such a great disappointment. I do feel that the image of the seed with tiny leaves is hope filled capturing the new but changed life that awaits. Your intentions will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughtful and caring comment ana. I had not imagined that I would write about it on my blog but I felt very uncomfortable leaving such a large gap without explanation. Now I feel that I have packed away the last little twig and I am ready to move on, helped by the kindness of people such as yourself. Alicex
DeleteAll the big heaps of love to you, my friend. 'Tis the Church of England's great loss, for sure. Of course, should you feel moved to swap denominations, the world would be your oyster (and Skye would be enticingly nearby). Just saying... xx
ReplyDeleteDearest Lynn, your offer is irresistible. We could eat goji berry burgers together and discuss how to iron preaching bands and whether it is appropriate to wear thermal undies on a Sunday. Meet me at the airport soonest - I will be wearing a three piece tartan suit and carrying a sprig of heather. Alicex
DeleteI just hope your outfit includes a jaunty chapeau. And no thermals needed as long as you choose a town church instead of a country one, it seems. xx
DeleteIs it not an amazing thing though, that despite that sense of loss, you continue to explore and remain open to other possibilities. I love that.
ReplyDeleteI have become very good at making mistakes. It's an age thing. The secret is not to be afraid to recognise that something is going wrong and to pull into a layby to give yourself time to think. Then you are in the right place when the next adventure comes along the road.
DeleteAlice: the CofE suffers from all kinds of mis-thinks. We've just relinquished the presence of a wonderful and inspiring curate to a parish some distance away. I would guess he started his training in his mid-fifties. Having read your blog(s) for many years, I'd say you have all the right qualities and character, so it is indeed the church's loss. But the acorns will grow. And 2017 is going to need a lot of acorns... Elizabeth
ReplyDeleteHello Elizabeth - thank you for your kind words. I find it incredible that I have readers that have been with me each step of my journey for years. What a privilege!
DeleteI am quite clear that ministry is not the right path for me : I am not the sort of person that the CofE needs, or more accurately, the sort of person my diocese needs. Good luck to your former curate - isn't it heart-warming when you meet someone who has discovered their vocation and is flourishing. I feel confident that there is something out there waiting for me too although I only aspire to a mustard seed. Alicex
Hi Alice, having read your blogs for many years, I was excited and interested to read 'a privacy of prayers' when you started it. I wondered what had happened when you went quiet. I was so pleased to see your latest posts here whilst I was re-visiting some of the beautiful 'prayer' posts. I have been in the CofE discernment process for the last 18 months or so, exploring a vocation that dates from a similar time to yours. Your blogs have inspired and heartened me over the years, thank you for sharing. I hope that you have had help from a spiritual gardener as well as your physical one. Mel x
ReplyDeleteHello Mel - thank you for your lovely comment and for the kindness of your good wishes. I am so glad that the prayers which I collected as an aide-memoire were helpful to you too.
DeleteGood luck with your discernment process - the experience varies so much by diocese and also according to the personality and experience of the DDO and I know it can be very challenging and rewarding. My situation was complicated because I am part of two parishes in different dioceses, one in Devon and one near London, and this sent everyone into a spin before I even started. However, I am quite clear that it is not the right path for me so I think the process has been successful although baffling and frustrating at times. Alicex
We have had a few women priests in our churches.
ReplyDeleteI never thought of your other side of the process.
May you find the right home for your talents.
Thank you Diana. The Church of England has struggled for a long time with the ordination of women and each step has been fiercely contested. There are talented women in the church now at every level (except Archbishop) which is as it should be.
DeleteI remember that a good while back you were observing a tree in the college grounds, through the seasons. Now I know which tree that was. Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteHello Lucille - Happy New Year right back to you! I seem to remember that I only managed two photos of the tree before I got distracted. Some things never change.
DeleteYou are a wise woman, Alice, and you have the gift of true self-knowledge. I hope what's next for you is not long in coming, and when it does, that it is all you wish for and more.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
x
Thank you Karen for these very kind words. I think that the best adventures are the unexpected ones which use gifts that we didn't know we had - until then I am going to lie on the sofa reading Anthony Trollope which should keep me out of mischief for a while.
DeleteDearest Alice, I read but don't often comment I know (mea culpa) but today I am sending you every sort of encouragement because you are special.
ReplyDeleteYou might be surprised to learn that I know a little of which you speak having almost started this process in the 1990s. The DDO and I had some long conversations and much spiritual guidance came my way before I realised that I wasn't even at the starting gate, let alone into discernment and so I retreated from the front line and have stayed in the back row ever since (where I am much more suited and comfortable to be!). You too will find the right place to be, of that I have no doubt, so many other ways to 'serve' and writing a blog that does its best to inspire and comfort people, and creates a safe space for them to stop by in frantic world (even if they don't always leave a comment!) has always seemed like one of them to me. Lynne xxx
Heavens above - I had no idea! I can imagine that you would have been a wonderful parish priest but ultimately it would have taken you away from your beloved home so perhaps it worked out for the best. I think that you found your vocation as a passionate writer about books - bringing together a diaspora of readers into a cosy place where they could find like-minded friends and share their bookish experiences. I think that your readers would all agree that the book club at Dovegreyreader is life-enhancing. I'd settle for that.
DeleteI have only just realised that you are posting again so have come late to this. I am very moved to read about your explanation for the gap in posting. Their loss, I feel. I love your writing and the depth of feeling that runs through it. And you are totally right about age and mistakes; it's so very liberating to acknowledge that.
ReplyDeleteHello Jan - thank you for your kind words. I think that describing the experience was like putting a stamp on an envelope before posting it. Now that part of my life is complete and I feel a lightness of spirit which has released me to enjoy writing again even though I am definitely out of practice.
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